


In My Head

by Abstract_Reality



Series: As the World Caves In [2]
Category: The Last of Us
Genre: Angry Ellie, Mentions of Blood, Spoilers!!, Trigger Warning: Mentions of Violence and Gore, Trigger warning: swearing, first work is not necessary to read beforehand, mentions of trauma, my last work but from ellie's POV
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-28
Updated: 2020-06-28
Packaged: 2021-03-04 04:55:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 754
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24957967
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Abstract_Reality/pseuds/Abstract_Reality
Summary: Warning: This work contains light gore and spoilers for content relating to Joel and Ellie in the beginning of The Last of Us II.Ellie evaluates her life before and after Joel, as she watches Abby break him down.This is an alternate point of view for the work I had written previously, but it does not need to be read before this.
Relationships: Ellie & Joel (The Last of Us)
Series: As the World Caves In [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1806379
Comments: 7
Kudos: 28





	In My Head

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for taking time to read this, and double thank you if you read my short story before it! I enjoy writing small pieces that examine the point of view of characters, and this one just felt right after the one I wrote for Joel. I really hope you guys enjoy it. Title based on the song 'In My Head' by Bedroom.

Sometimes, she wonders if she even had a life before Joel.

Every time she searches deep in her mind, she can rarely conjure up anything before the two of them were together. She knows it existed, it had to. Logically. And she sure as hell remembers the events that brought the two of them together, cause how could she ever forget? But anything else is like a blank spot in her mind. An empty collection of pieced together ideas and partial faces. The first time she went to school, her mother’s smile, the feel of her childhood blanket. All these bits and pieces fit together, she knows. But the glue that holds them together is surprisingly absent.

The shrink in Jackson calls it “trauma induced amnesia”, which Ellie considers a very nice term for “your brain holds your memory hostage cause of all the fucked up things you went through”.

Still, she supposes that her new life isn’t the worst thing to occupy her mind with. All the good memories that have Dina and Jesse and Tommy and Maria and Joel. Especially Joel. Because despite all the fucked up shit they’ve been through, Joel’s given her some pretty good times too. His silly jokes to make her laugh, teaching her how to ride a horse, taking her to see the museum on her birthday.

Doing all the things a dad would do. At least, if movies and books were to be believed.

Not that she would ever actually  _ call  _ him ‘Dad’. It’s sort of an unspoken rule between them: Don’t let the other person know how much you care. Because this world sure doesn’t give a fuck about how much you love someone—Riley and Sarah can attest to that.

They were so careful. And yet, they still managed to jinx it. Cause here they are.

Ellie’s face is pushed harder against the cold floor and she struggles. Her arm is twisted at an uncomfortable angle but she’s not just gonna sit back and let these motherfuckers win just cause her arm hurts. She thrashes against the hands forcing her to the ground and screams. How dare they. These motherfuckers are gonna pay. She’s gonna kill them all. She’s gonna make them regret being born. And when Joel gets up, he’s gonna help her.

He’s just gotta get up.

“Joel! Get up! Get the fuck up!” Her voice is hoarse from yelling. But she can’t just do nothing, she has to help him.

His eyes are open but she can tell that he’s not looking anywhere here. She knows a thousand yard stare from a mile away. Tears run down her dust stained cheeks. This can’t be it. Joel would never give up so easy. So why isn’t he fighting back?

For a moment, her thoughts drift to all the times she stayed awake and watched Joel sleep. She knew it was a fucking creepy thing to do, but she also knew that when he was asleep, he was finally peaceful. He could finally rest his body and his mind. She never saw that any other time. Even when they were just hanging out, he was always on edge. As if something could happen at any moment and burst the bubble they’ve found themselves living in.

Well, that bubble is long gone now. 

All the anger and grief already built up in Ellie’s chest threatens to burst free as she watches the woman turn back to Joel. They must’ve been talking but all Ellie hears is her own blood pumping. Her throat begins to close up as she watches her raise that fucking golf club.

“ _ Dad!”  _ And fuck. She wishes she had said that so much sooner. Unspoken rules be damned.

Joel’s body relaxes, and she swears she sees him smile. “Baby girl…”

The crack of his skull practically punches the air right out of her. She briefly wonders if she’s the one who broke just then. Because she swears she’s just been ripped in two. 

These fuckers start arguing around her but all she can see is Joel. Joel, who would make her a cake on her birthday even if he was really bad at it, just to see her smile. Joel, who taught her how to swim, just so she could survive anything. Joel, who killed for her even if it meant the end of the world he knew, just because he loved her so much. 

And he’s just, fucking lying there. Gone.

A boot comes into view, and she is too.


End file.
